The Making of Kingdom Hearts III
by CadeXHybrid
Summary: Fans have been fervently awaiting the advent of the next numbered entry in Disney and Square Enix's Kingdom Hearts series, and Nomura has been hard at work. It's a tough job keeping the likes of Sora, Sephiroth, and Pete in line, but someone has to do it. We'll go behind the scenes and on the set of Kingdom Hearts III, learning just what it's like to be an actor for Square Enix!
1. A New Sound

**Chapter 1: A New Sound**

The almighty emperor-samurai-devil-director-artist-game-designer Nomura sat within his dark and sinister throne room-slash-office, lethargically throwing darts at the wall. He sat with his feet up on his shiny black desk, one leg crossed over the other. Just like any other day, Nomura wore his heavy, authentic suit of samurai armor, keeping his face hidden behind the clunky metal helmet. Today, he'd gone with the red and black suit.

The room's lone window had been obscured by a black curtain, hardly permitting any light to enter. Resting by Nomura's feet was a flat, electronic tablet currently displaying a blank word document. It was probably the most neglected object in the hollow room, judging by how Nomura's attention seemed to solely lie on the wall-mounted dart board.

In the middle of the floor rested a beautiful circular rug, sporting a mural-like image reminiscent of the Station of Awakening. The multicolored rug consisted of Sora, Donald, Goofy, Riku, Kairi, King Mickey, and various other characters in Kingdom Hearts lore.

Suddenly, a beep from the telephone caught his attention.

Throwing one more bull's-eye, Nomura sat up straight and answered the phone.

"Yes, Reno?"

"Uh, there's a guy here. Says he wants to talk to ya."

Sighing under his helmet, the emperor-samurai-director-game-designer asked, "And his name would be…?"

After a slightly muffled response, Reno's voice came back, "It's Braig. Says he wants to follow up on those projects you gave him."

Under the samurai helmet's low veil, Nomura's chin could be seen bobbing up and down as he silently mouthed the word "projects." He had no idea what those were supposed to be. Even though he wasn't quite sure what Reno was talking about, he responded, "Send him in."

"Aye, aye."

Less than a dull moment later, the double doors leading to Nomura's office were pushed open, heralding the arrival of a particularly energetic Organization XIII member.

Practically flinging the doors off their hinges, Braig entered and greeted, "Well, if it isn't the man with the mula, Mister Nomura!"

Smiling under his nigh-unreadable helmet, Nomura replied halfheartedly, "Good morning, Braig."

Braig, dressed in his Radiant Garden getup from Birth By Sleep, appeared to be carrying with him a large stereo. Beaming brightly from his scarred, eye-patched face, Braig wasted no time in approaching Nomura, also slamming down the stereo on top of his shiny desk.

"Geez, you keep it darker than doomsday in here," Braig said, snatching up a remote and pointing it at the curtains. He pressed a button, and the black curtains began to automatically withdraw themselves from the window. As sunlight began flooding the square study, reflecting off of Nomura's armor, Braig got down to business. "Okay, so check it out. I know you've got a lot on your plate right now, what with making Kingdom Hearts III and Final Fantasy XV at the same time, so believe me when I say that I took your assignments seriously."

Sitting still like a glimmering statue in the daylight, Nomura looked between Braig and the idle stereo before asking, "Uh, and…what assignments did I send you on again?"

"Technically, _assignment_," Braig amended. "You've only sent me on one so far, but I feel that's gonna change real soon after you hear this. Anyway, don't you remember? You put me in charge of contacting Utada Hikaru so she can write a new song for the threequel's intro sequence."

Finally recalling that he had indeed sent the Freeshooter on that specific errand, Nomura nodded and said, "Oh, of course. Tell me, how did that go?"

Shaking his head distastefully, Braig replied, "Eh, the kid's got some talent, but overall it was pretty 'meh.' Told her to go make songs for Capcom. Luckily, you've got—"

"You did what?" Nomura exclaimed, shocked by what he'd just heard.

"Don't worry about it! She took the news great. Told me to go jump off a bridge. Anyway, like I was saying, luckily, you've got me! Now personally, I think I've got more musical prowess in my pointy ears than that hack does in her whole body, but that's just me. So, I had no problem whipping up a few songs I made all by myself."

Smacking a hand to his helmet, Nomura muttered to himself, "This cannot be happening."

Loading a CD into the stereo, Braig explained, "Now the name of this first one is something I made up—we can always change the titles later—I call it 'Hypnotize.' Now, I created the instrumentals from scratch, and so far, all the vocals are mine, but that could change too—because, you know, this is a team effort, and there's no use trying to boggart everything from the beginning. So without further ado…"

Xigbar hit the play button, and the stereo began bumping a very familiar tune. At first, Nomura had the slightest inkling of this song's title until he started hearing Braig's voice singing over the instrumental. In fact, "singing" might be the incorrect word here. The instrumental itself was most definitely an old school hip-hop beat, so it didn't surprise Nomura to hear Braig rapping (very badly):

"_Hah, slicker than your average ponytail, eye patch in the sink, hit the faucet for a drink! Wink at the mirror, my face has no error! Fur boots for my hooligans in Wonderland! Dead right, make my bed right, Xiggy there every night! Sora's been to school like I play the fool—NEVER, dude! Never bruise, 'cuz I'm so cool—"_

Nomura had heard enough. Standing from his seat, he swiftly hit the stereo's eject button before another badly assembled lyric graced his ears. Ignoring Braig's protests, Nomura struggled to accurately put into words just how much he loathed what he heard.

"Braig," the emperor-game-designer slowly started, "that was the worst thing I've ever…hold on. That was, hands down, the worst effing twenty seconds of audio I've ever endured in my lifetime. Seriously, that was terrible."

"But…but…but you didn't even hear the hook!" Braig then tried to simulate the hook himself. "It goes something like this—ahem—_Xiggy, Xiggy, Xiggy, can't you see? Sometimes your guns just hypnotize me! And I just love your flawless aim! Guess that's why their dead and you're so brave!"_

Evidently, Nomura was still unimpressed, so Braig attempted to incorporate a dance to spice things up. Standing up, he started gyrating his hips and shoulders, saying, "There's even a cool dance I made up! Check it out!"

Shaking his head, Nomura derided the song one last time, "Honestly, it sounded like you made this song while brushing your teeth this morning. I'm pretty sure I heard you spit into the sink."

Shrugging, Braig remarked, "Well, I was running a little late for work…"

"Yeah, I'm going to have to pass on this, Braig. You can redeem yourself, however. Starting today, do whatever you can to bring Ms. Hikaru back on board, understand?"

Sighing, Braig slumped in his chair. Still not ready to give up on his dream, he complained, "Aw, come on, Nom! I had all these ideas for the music video. Like, it'd start out with me cruising around Radiant Garden in a souped-up Gummi Ship, and then I'd step out with ten gorgeous babes behind me. Speaking of gorgeous babes, I'm gonna need that chick Lightning in just a swimsuit, preferably something purple. Heck, she can even sing the hook—"

"No, no, and no. It's not happening, Braig. We would definitely have a lawsuit on our hands because I know for a fact that you did not create that instrumental from scratch."

"Pfft, as if!"

"That was from an old school rap song called 'Hypnotize.' You didn't even change the title!"

"Okay, you got me…" Braig admitted in a defeated tone, "I just wanted to give Kingdom Hearts a new sound, ya know?"

"That's understandable, Braig, but the intro song has always been J-pop. I fear changing the genre to hip-hop will just confuse fans. That goes for dubstep, rock, metal, country, and techno, too."

Sighing, the Freeshooter nodded and said, "All right, compadre. I get it. I'll do better on the next assignment, I promise. But…can I at least shoot the video and put it on YouTube?"

Nodding, Nomura consented, "I'll allow it."

Jumping out of his chair, Braig celebrated, "YES!"

**-X-**

Hi, my name is CadeXHybrid, and I present to you the making of Kingdom Hearts III…sort of!

**Disclaimer**: This is in fact NOT the making of Kingdom Hearts III but merely a spoof of what CadeXHybrid thinks is going on over there at Squeenix. All characters in this fanfic—even those based on real people—are entirely fictional.

Also, I do not own the song 'Hypnotize,' by Notorious B.I.G., aka "Biggie Smalls." But here's a wild fun fact: Biggie Smalls was shot to death exactly 17 years ago from today. I nearly jumped through the roof when I discovered this _after_ writing Braig's 'Hypnotize' parody!

Anyway, next chapter brings KH3's main actors to the set for a big shoot. Braig isn't the only one who wants to see some changes in the Kingdom Hearts series, though. Will this hinder Nomura's progress? Yes.


	2. Quiet on the Set

**Chapter 2: Quiet on the Set…**

"…Cue the pirates. And now the smoke. Aaaaaand…action."

Sora jumped from the crocodile's head and barely latched a hand onto the ladder's bottom rung, pulling himself up along the side of Captain Jack Sparrow's _Black Pearl_. Escaping a dinner date with a crocodile, Sora finally reached the ship's deck, the stage for the wildest pirate battle in Port Royal history. All of Sparrow's crewmen swashbuckled with Captain Davy Jones' men, an eerie battalion of sea monster-like sailors of all nautical shapes and sizes.

Sora looked up at the ship's bridge and spotted Saïx—or Isa, rather—currently doing battle with Donald and Goofy by the wheel. Sprinting double time, Sora yelled, "Don't worry, guys—I'm coming!"

Weaving betwixt a plethora of hollering pirates, Sora deflected random strikes from Davy Jones' nautical crewmen and bounded up the short stairwell. Finally rejoining his allies, Sora smirked and greeted them, "Sorry, I'm late."

Turning to his Key-wielding comrade, Goofy exclaimed, "Sora! You're alive!"

"We thought you were done for!" Donald squawked.

"You will be soon enough, heroes. All of you." Isa brandished his massive claymore, glowering at his opponents.

"Aaaaaand…cut," said Nomura through the megaphone.

Goofy yelped in triumph, "Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo! We did it!"

Isa briskly dropped his claymore with a loud clang, massaging his arm while saying, "Flying Fenrir, that thing's heavy!"

The alligator, the same creature from Peter Pan's world, climbed up on the _Black Pearl's_ deck, walking on two legs while high-fiving the Jack Sparrow impersonator. (Square Enix still didn't have enough Depp money.)

The pirates ceased fighting, now patting themselves on the back for a successful shoot. Indeed, the cast of Kingdom Hearts had travelled to the middle of the Caribbean to shoot the swashbuckling scene between Captain Jack and Davy Jones. In addition to the authentic _Black Pearl,_ numerous other small schooners floated around the set to accommodate Nomura and the camera crew.

The schooner floating closest to the _Black Pearl _carried Nomura and a great deal of other Kingdom Hearts writers. The schooner carried some of the other actors as well, all of whom got to enjoy watching the big scene unfold from the starboard side.

"Great job, guys!" Nomura congratulated through his megaphone. Standing up from his director's chair, he went over to the camera engineers to review the footage.

Meanwhile, from that same boat, Kairi wandered over to the starboard edge and took hold of a dangling rope. Then, very casually, she jumped and swung over to the _Black Pearl's_ deck, nimbly landing on both feet. Strolling past the casually bantering pirates, the princess of heart approached Sora from behind and tapped his shoulder.

Gaining his attention, she offered him a water bottle and a smile, saying, "Good work today, champ."

Returning the smile and taking the perspiring beverage, Sora thanked, "Oh, appreciate it!"

**-X-**

**So Sora, what's it like being an actor for a popular videogame series?**

"Oh, it's amazing," Sora replied, reclining back in his chair. Currently, he was seated in front of a camera, in a closed-off interview room most likely located below deck of Nomura's schooner. Surrounded by pristine white walls, the easygoing Keyblader elaborated his point, "It's basically just like being a real actor, but better! Somehow, Square can afford all these breathtaking set pieces, like the one we just shot on the _Black Pearl_, and it's so much fun, I can't even describe the feeling. Honestly, I wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. Oh, and I actually have one of these in real life…"

With a flick of the wrist, the Kingdom Key flashed to existence, held taught in Sora's grasp.

"How freakin' cool is this?" Laughing as carefree as ever, he added, "I don't even know what my house key looks like anymore!"

**-X-**

From Nomura's boat, Sora could be seen taking a swig from his water bottle by the _Black Pearl's_ wheel. He seemed to offer Kairi a drink, holding the bottle before her face. However, before she grabbed it from him, Sora briskly squeezed the uncapped bottle, intentionally splashing Kairi's face.

Like a kneejerk reaction, Kairi punched him in the shoulder once, hollering some obscenity while Sora ran away and dove overboard, howling with laughter.

**-X-**

**Do you and the other actors have a lot of fun on the set?**

Smiling from ear to ear, Sora answered, "That's like a requirement around here. Any chance we get, we try to prank and annoy each other. It's usually honest fun…completely harmless. Like last week, me and Kairi filled Vanitas' helmet with cotton balls and glue. Shoulda seen him! And then me and Kairi replaced Mickey's Keyblade with one of those giant breadsticks, so when he summoned it, ya know…"

Recalling one more incident, Sora perked up and vividly retold, "Oh, and then there was the time me and Kairi completely bedazzled Leon's Gunblade! We covered every inch of that thing in colorful studs, even the hilt! Yeah, that was probably the most angry I've ever seen Leon. I mean, he was _ticked_. Nomura had to put him on a week of anger management counseling after that. Yep, we've had some good times together…"

For a moment, Sora appeared to be lost in a deep reverie, a warm smile plastered on his face. After noticing how awkwardly quiet the room had gotten, Sora nervously looked up and chimed, "Um…"

**-X-**

Much later in the day, on the Gummi flight back to Square Enix headquarters, Braig had approached Nomura with another one of his brilliant ideas.

Seating himself in the vacant seat next to the samurai armor-clad game-director, Braig piped up, "Nomura—just the man I wanted to see!"

"Braig," Nomura replied flatly, reading a magazine.

"So I've been kicking around this new idea—"

"Have you contacted Ms. Hikaru yet?" Nomura interrupted, still not even facing the Freeshooter.

Waving his hand flippantly, Braig responded, "Oh, for sure, dude. She's back on board, one-hundred percent. She told me to jump off a bridge again, though."

"That's good."

"Right. So I've been kicking around this new idea ever since you rejected my song, and I think it's really going to revolutionize Kingdom Hearts into the action RPG it was always meant to be!"

By the passionate way he spoke, Braig sounded like he really had something worth sharing for once, so Nomura heard him out. "Let's hear it then, Braig."

"Zombie mode. Think about it: the residents of Agrabah are turned into bloodthirsty flesh-eaters, ripping each other apart like animals! And it's up to Sora and the gang to exterminate them all—one head-exploding zombie at time. And it doesn't have to stop with Agrabah. Beast's Castle, Land of Dragons, the Olympus Coliseum, and even Pride Lands are all infected and crawling with the undead. What I'm really saying is—Kingdom Hearts plus zombies equals us raking in the millions, baby."

Sighing, Nomura could only blame himself for believing this would lead to anything productive. "Okay, Braig…while that was a very well-articulated and, um…graphic idea, I don't think head-exploding zombies will fit in with the more lighthearted themes of Kingdom Hearts."

"Lighthearted?" Braig repeated incredulously. "Please, if anything, Kingdom Hearts is pure melodrama. Trust me, adding a zombie mode will only make the game sexier! I mean, who doesn't love killing zombies?"

"But don't you think zombie games are getting a little…oversaturated these days?"

"Well, yeah…but just picture Riku with a badass crossbow. We could make him the Daryl Dixon of Kingdom Hearts!" Looking desperate, Braig practically yelled, "C'mon, people will eat that up!"

Nomura attempted to let Braig down easy, saying, "Look, it's a very good idea, just maybe not for Kingdom Hearts III. But you're on the right track, Braig. I love creative gameplay ideas and always welcome suggestions. I just need to hear something more practical and within reason."

"Fine…but, can I get my own spinoff?"

"Goodbye, Braig."

Sighing in defeat again, Braig nodded and somberly said, "Gotcha, boss. But I swear my next idea will knock your socks off…if you're wearing socks."

As soon as Braig departed from the seat, someone else had occupied it not five seconds later. Turning to face him, Nomura was greeted by none other than Sora's Nobody, Roxas.

Wearing his trusty black Organization coat, Roxas greeted, "Hey, Nomura! How's it going?"

"I just survived another one of Braig's harebrained ideas, so good," Nomura reported, picking up his magazine.

Clearing his throat, Roxas awkwardly remarked, "Yeah, I was, um…I overheard him telling you his idea. That Braig is pretty wacky, huh?"

Turning a page in his magazine, Nomura indifferently replied, "Yeah, I created him."

"Right…" Perking up, Roxas finally got to his point, "So, um…you said you welcome suggestions for gameplay ideas, right? I actually have an idea."

Putting down his magazine, the emperor-samurai-devil-artist-director-game-designer gave Roxas his full, undivided attention. Smiling under his helmet, Nomura said, "I will hear it. It cannot be any worse than Braig's suggestions."

Chuckling, a less tense Roxas explained, "Right, so I know you and all the other designers have been having trouble deciding who should be a playable character alongside Sora. And then, how would you go about switching between characters?"

Genuinely interested, Nomura said, "Sure, sure."

"Well, I suggest we take a page out of Kojima's book and look at the way other games have handled this kind of mechanic. Now, Dream Drop Distance had that cool drop system where you could play as Sora and Riku, but I think Kingdom Hearts III needs one more active protagonist. Now, um…one game that comes to mind is, uh…well, have you heard of Grand Theft Auto V?"

Nodding, Nomura replied, "The name rings a bell."

"That game had three main characters in it, and it allowed players to switch between them _instantly. _I think having three main characters brings the perfect balance of story and gameplay. Having too many characters can muddle up the story, and having too few could make the game boring, you know? The only tough part is deciding which three characters get the spotlight."

Nodding fervently, Nomura seemed to be entranced with Roxas' new idea. The possibilities of being able to control three characters at once seemed absolutely perfect for an action RPG like KH. Smitten with the idea, Nomura said, "That's an exquisite idea, Roxas. Something like that could definitely add layers to the already deep gameplay of Kingdom Hearts."

Beaming, Roxas rubbed the back of his head and said, "Ah, well, you know…"

"I'm thinking Sora, Riku, and Kairi as the main protagonists. Yeah, definitely them."

Looking a bit snubbed and slighted, Roxas uttered, "Oh, uh…or maybe Sora, Riku, and Roxas?"

Nomura replied, "Yes, but I want to offer something new in Kingdom Hearts III. There has literally not been a single game where Kairi has appeared playable. Out of the seven warriors of light, she, along with Sora and Riku, must be controllable. I've made you playable in two games, I've made Terra, Ventus, and Aqua all fully playable—I have even made Mickey Mouse playable. It's time to give Kairi the spotlight."

Deflating in his chair, Roxas said, "Oh, all right. When you put it that way, I guess she deserves it more than me."

"Thank you for understanding, Roxas, and thank you for the splendid idea."

"No problem. So…can I have another spinoff?"

"Have a nice day, Roxas."

* * *

**-X-**

It seems Nomura is finally making headway on his promise to incorporate new gameplay ideas. Embracing this "character switch" idea, Nomura sees this may put a physical strain on the three teens, so he calls for a meeting between the three potential heroes and the best personal trainer he can find.

**Disclaimer:** Once again, these chapters are NOT real accounts of which ideas Nomura might be kicking around. But honestly, I would be extremely confused if Kairi winds up unplayable for the entirety of the third installment. Seriously, Square, we've played as Mickey Mouse. Anyway, if you like this, leave a review, even if it's only two words. I'd appreciate it!


	3. AcrossFit

**Chapter 3: AcrossFit**

Sora, Kairi, and Riku all sat on one side of a rectangular white table, cooped up in a small conference room. With Kairi sandwiched between the two boys, they all seemed to be waiting for something to happen, which explained why all three actors were busy on their smartphones; Riku especially, who was angrily tapping his phone's screen like a madman. Sora and Kairi, meanwhile, were enjoying some of Axel's funny Vine videos, and occasionally shooting each other a random text message (even though they were sitting two feet away from each other).

Affixed to one of the windowless white walls was a medium sized TV monitor. Suddenly, it activated itself, revealing the helmeted face of Nomura. In a pleasant voice, the emperor-samurai greeted his actors, "Good morning, guys!"

Just then, Riku had gone red in the face. He'd apparently just had enough of Flappy Bird's bullcrap, so he repeatedly slammed his cellphone down on the table, shouting, "Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid bird! _Ah!"_

Having thoroughly smashed the gadget to pieces, Riku took what was left of his smartphone and chucked it at the wall mounted TV screen. The damage had left a spider web-like crack in the center of the screen, most to Nomura's annoyance.

"Geez, Riku. It's just a game," Kairi commented aside, still scrolling through her own unbroken phone.

"What are we here for again, Nomura?" Sora asked curiously, putting away his cellphone. "And why is it just us three?"

Nomura explained behind the cracked screen, "A representative should be there with you shortly. He'll be giving the three of you a special presentation, and I want you to really pay attention to what he has to say."

"What's it about?" Riku asked, pulling out a brand new cellphone from his pocket.

"I have decided to make you three the main protagonists of Kingdom Hearts III. Players will be able to switch between Sora, Riku, and Kairi instantaneously throughout the adventure, so reasonably, the three of you are going to need to undergo some serious training."

At that statement, Sora and Riku shot each other a couple of overly confident smirks. The girl between them, however, showed her excitement for this idea, saying, "Wow, I finally get to be a main protagonist? This is gonna be awesome!"

Reclining in his chair, Sora piped up, "Wait, hold on. Why do Riku and I need training? We've been in literally every game."

Still smirking, Riku added, "Yeah, we already know how to fight. If anyone, Kairi's the only scrub here who needs some training."

"Do _not_ call me a scrub," Kairi said threateningly.

**-X-**

**What's it like working with real heroes, like Sora and Riku?**

"Okay, so that question sounded just a little bit insulting," Kairi remarked irritably. Sitting within an interview room of her own, the princess of heart asked, "You do realize I'm a hero just like them, right? I mean, I've got my own Keyblade and everything! Look…"

Flicking her wrist a million times, Kairi failed to produce a weapon.

Cursing lowly, she continued trying to summon Destiny's Embrace as she said, "Lea was just telling me it's all in your wrist…crud. Well, you've all seen it! Don't act like it doesn't exist!"

**Okay…so what's it like being an actress in Kingdom Hearts?**

Smiling, Kairi answered proudly, "Oh, it's great! You get to work with some real interesting people, not to mention all the exotic locales. Plus, they offer some killer benefits, like dental and healthcare, twenty four hour access to the pool and gym, and I swear I've been fifteen years old for almost eight years now!"

**-X-**

A moment later, the representative finally arrived. Standing at well over seven feet tall, the brown-haired hulk of a man waved to the three teenagers and said, "Hiya, guys! Sorry if I'm I little late. There was this weird kid stalking me in the hallways…"

"Whoa!" Sora gasped, marveling at the man's colossal appearance.

The man, dressed in a simple orange plaid T-shirt under brown overalls, possessed abnormally sized hands and (bare) feet. Despite his massive stature, the man exhibited a humble and good-natured aura, smiling brightly with pudgy cheeks. Going up to each teenager and shaking their hands, which, to them, felt like sticking their whole arm in a bowl of dough, the large man introduced himself, "Yes, I know I'm huge. My name's Wreck-It Ralph, and I'm going to be your AcrossFit representative today!"

From the cracked monitor, Nomura greeted the hulking videogame character, "Hello, there, Mr. Ralph!"

"Top-a-the-morning to ya, samurai guy!" Ralph replied. Turning back to the trio, he surmised, "And you three must be Sora, Kairi, and Riku."

Crossing his arms, Riku said, "Pleased to meet you."

**-X-**

"Yeah, I'm Wreck-It Ralph," said Ralph, now sitting in his own interview room. "You're probably wondering why I'm over here at Square Phoenix headquarters, giving three kids a presentation. Trust me, I'm not here to recruit them for Hero's Duty!"

Ralph had gotten a kick out of that joke, chortling at his own quip until the room had fallen awkwardly silent.

Clearing his throat, Ralph continued, "Um, so my movie did great, ya know, people loved all the cameos and stuff. Right now, I'm kinda waiting for the sequel to get rolling, but in the meantime, I've picked up a few odd jobs here and there. Just simple stuff to pay the bills, ya know."

Suddenly, someone else's voice could be heard from off-camera, "No way? Is that Wreck-It Ralph? Dude, I love you!"

The camera spun around and showed Ventus currently pressing his face against the interview room's window. Fortunately, he was on the outside, standing in the hallway. Timidly waving his giant hand, Ralph muttered, "Uh, hi there."

Ventus screamed through the glass, "Please-oh-please, can I get your autograph, Mr. Wreck-It?"

Luckily, Aqua was there to drag him away from the window. Fighting back the star-struck boy's protests, Aqua strained, "Ven, stop it! You're scaring him!"

"No! I wanna hear him say it! Say 'I'm gonna wreck it!'"

**-X-**

Clasping his hands together, Ralph asked, "So, who knows why I'm here today?"

Riku and Kairi remained awkwardly quiet, simply staring at the enormous man. Sora, on the other hand, decided to take a whack at the question, "You're gonna train us, right?"

"Yes, that's one reason why I'm here. I actually want to talk about the many different training programs AcrossFit offers. Let me show you…"

Picking up a remote from seemingly nowhere, Ralph activated a ceiling-mounted projector, which began displaying an image on the wall opposite Sora, Kairi, and Riku. Ralph was showing them a PowerPoint presentation, the first slide showing off the AcrossFit company logo.

Standing beside the projected slideshow, Ralph gestured toward Nomura's TV screen and said, "Now, your buddy Nomura over there wants the three of you to be in tip-top shape for Kingdom Hearts III. From what I heard, you guys are going to be doing a wicked crazy amount of butt-kicking this time around, so you're going to need training regimens tailored to your specific needs."

Changing the slide, Ralph explained, "Now, in front of me, I see three very different teenagers. The truth is, not all videogame characters are created equal, so AcrossFit offers unique—"

"Um, Ralph?" Sora interrupted. He pointed at the slideshow, stifling back laughter as he said, "You might wanna check the screen…"

"Hm?" Expecting to see his second slide, Ralph gasped at the blown-up picture of him passed out on the couch, face covered in blue icing. Doing a giant-handed face-palm, Ralph growled, "I am going to kill Vanellope…"

Changing the slide, Ralph was flabbergasted to see yet another embarrassing photograph, this time, showing him from an overhead perspective. Ralph repeatedly hit the "next slide" button, going through a multitude of humiliating snapshots completely unrelated to AcrossFit.

Sora burst out laughing at the brief image of Ralph dancing on a pool table. Kairi at least attempted to hide her laughter behind her hands, but she wasn't fooling anyone. Riku just sat there with an amused grin, closing his eyes and shaking his head when he saw a picture of Ralph pretending to play the guitar on a broomstick.

Finally getting to an appropriate slide, Ralph sheepishly scratched the back of his head and said, "Believe me—that is the last time I go to a Christmas party at Zangief's place…"

Nomura sighed and asked, "Can we please get on with the presentation, Mr. Ralph?"

"Sure thing. So, um…videogame characters are not created equal. AcrossFit offers many unique programs that have benefitted hundreds of famous videogame characters from all companies. We've collaborated with guys like Ryu from Street Fighter, Marcus Fenix from Gears of War, Gabriel Belmont from Castlevania…" For each name he listed, a picture popped up to represent a flattering image of said character.

"Those guys are ripped," Kairi observed.

"They don't look so tough," Sora dismissed.

"Dante from Devil May Cry," Ralph went on, this time displaying two pictures. One picture showed a white-haired guy in a red coat while the other showed a black-haired guy wearing a black jacket and grey tank top. "That's right—we've worked with the white-haired _and_ black-haired versions of him!"

"I like the white-haired version," Riku said with a smirk.

Kairi swooned, "Does it matter? Both of them are HOT!"

"Simmer down," Sora uttered, crossing his arms with a frown and no doubt earning a fiery glare.

Changing the slide, Wreck-It Ralph continued the presentation, "We've also worked with various female protagonists, most notably Lara Croft from the Tomb Raider reboot. I think she actually works here, right?"

"That she does," Nomura affirmed with a nod, "in the Crystal Dynamics wing."

"Cool stuff. AcrossFit has been used by other heroines, like Jade from Beyond Good & Evil, Katana from Mortal Kombat, Morrigan from Darkstalkers, Elena from Uncharted, and even Princess Peach!"

Evidently striving to bother the girl sitting next to him, Sora whistled before saying, "Wow…what a woman!"

"Which one? Princess Peach?" a smiling Riku asked, looking ready to echo Sora's sentiment.

"Every single one," Sora answered, practically ogling all six pictures.

Scoffing, Kairi said, "Yeah right. Two of those girls have ridiculous measurements, and the rest aren't even pretty."

"Now, the first workout routine I'm going to talk about is widely considered to be the most strenuous," said Wreck-It Ralph. "It's called the Son of Zeus Regimen, tailor made for demigods and half-humans."

Sora repeated, "Son of Zeus? You mean Hercules? I know that guy!"

Shaking his head, Ralph corrected the eager Keyblader, "No, not that Son of Zeus." Changing the slide to a full sized image of a particularly muscular bald man with ghostly white skin, Ralph said, "Meet Kratos, the face of the Son of Zeus Regimen."

Gasping, Kairi commented more in disbelief than adoration, "Oh my goodness, he's got muscles on his muscles! Who needs all those muscles?"

Sora suddenly interjected, "I want that regimen!"

Surprised at how quickly Sora had made up his mind, Ralph stammered, "Well, uh…we do have more programs to talk about—"

"I want that one!" Sora said in determination.

"Well, can I at least tell you about it, first?" Ralph said, throwing up his hands.

"Go on."

Riku hissed, "Slow your roll, Sora."

Taking a deep breath, Ralph explained, "So the Son of Zeus Regimen encompasses a wide variety of workouts. You'll pretty much be living in the gym five days a week along with frequent trips to the obstacle course. You'll be upping your maximum weight in bench press, arm extensions, lat-pull-downs, and squats, which is really going to start packing on pounds of muscle mass fast. In addition, you'll get your own personal dietician, who'll be supplying you with excellent nutrition meals to keep your body lean and cut…like Kratos, here."

"So when do we start?" Sora asked.

"Look, kid, I like your spunk, but I really need to get through the rest of this presentation. And honestly, this workout routine might literally kill you. Like I said, it's for demigods and half-humans."

"Blah, blah, blah—let's get on with it, then," Sora retorted, flippantly waving his hand.

"Kairi?" Riku asked.

"On it," she replied, quickly landing her palm upside Sora's head.

Clearing his throat, Ralph said, "So this next program may interest you, Kairi."

"It will?" she asked absentmindedly.

"Yes, it's called the Heavenly Sword Regimen." The slideshow suddenly displayed an image of a red-haired beauty holding two swords. Sporting a brown belt with a fancy buckle clinging to her left hip, she was garbed in white cloths around her legs, chest, and waistline. "Meet Nariko. This fire-horse femme fatale is both the founder and sponsor of this regimen!"

Nodding, Kairi said agreeably, "Even I can agree that _she_ is hot."

"No denying that," said Riku.

"She's okay," said Sora, leaning back in his chair with a petite smile.

Ralph explained the regimen, "Along with pumping iron in the gym three days a week, followers of the Heavenly Sword Regimen will hone their sword fighting and archery skills. Your dietician will keep your meals lean and light on the carbs. Other famous videogame characters who've utilized this program include Princess Zelda, Bayonetta, strangely enough Ezio Auditore da Firenze, Ms. Pacman, and even Ellie from The Last of Us!"

Observing the picture for that last name, Kairi noticed, "That girl looks my age."

"That's 'cuz she is," Ralph replied. "The zombie apocalypse literally demands strength from people of all ages."

For some reason Nomura noticeably flinched at hearing the words "zombie apocalypse."

"Moving on to the Master Chief Regimen," Ralph said, switching slides to a picture of a space commando in olive green armor, "this is a training program made for resourceful, strong-willed heroes with quick reflexes. It's gonna test your mind and push your human and superhuman limits, so be prepared to work your butt off!" Wreck-It Ralph noticed Riku had raised his hand, so he called on him, "Yes, Riku?"

"You might as well wrap up the presentation now, because I don't need any training," said the silver-haired boy. "I'm in peak condition right now, especially after picking up Sora's slack in Dream Drop Distance."

"Hey…" Sora whined, feeling shunted.

"You sure?" Ralph asked, nervously looking between Riku and Nomura. "I mean, a whole bunch of tough-guy videogame characters have utilized this program in the past. I'm talkin' John-117, Nathan Drake, Female Commander Shephard, Delsin Rowe from the new Infamous, Naked and Solid Snake, Leon Kennedy, Jak, Ratchet…the list goes on."

"Look, everyone already knows I'm the strongest character in Kingdom Hearts," Riku boasted, planting both hands on the table. "Any additional training would just be overkill at this point."

"Way to keep it humble, Riku," Kairi murmured with a roll of the eyes.

Nomura intervened, "I strongly recommend you accept some form of training, Riku. Kingdom Hearts III will not be as easy as previous installments."

"Tch, I'm not scared," Riku replied with a confident smirk. "I'll take on the whole Organization if I have to."

"Have it your way, then. But I will be sending you to a rigorous testing facility in the coming days, since you believe you have what it takes to defeat the new Organization. As for you two," Nomura transitioned to Sora and Kairi, "your training will begin after we finish this week's filming sessions. And thank you, Wreck-It Ralph. Your presentation was impeccable."

Giving a thumbs-up, Ralph said, "No problem, samurai-guy. Now if someone could just point me in the right direction so I can find my outta this place?"

Kairi volunteered, "Just keep going down this hallway and take a left—"

Someone suddenly burst into the conference room, screaming, "I knew I'd find you, Mr. Wreck-It!"

Groaning, Ralph rubbed his eyes before uttering, "Ah crud, it's that weird kid again…"

Indeed, Ventus had successfully located Ralph, now closing in on the hulking man with a pen and pad. Smiling deviously, Ven declared, "Nowhere for you to run, now! You're all mine!"

Sighing, Ralph asked, "If I give you my autograph, will you let me leave in one piece?"

"Sounds fair," Ventus agreed. Handing over the pen and pad, he asked, "Can you sign it to the most special boy in the world?"

Scribbling his signature, Ralph offhandedly replied, "Way ahead of you."

* * *

**-X-**

Just testing your videogame knowledge with all those mentions. For all my Ezio fans, you guys already know why he was listed in the ladies' training regimen.

And with the trio's training somewhat squared away, Nomura must now return to filming. However, that can be hard to do when your star villain repeatedly shows up late to the set. What will Nomura do with that unruly Vanitas?


	4. Vanitas the Menace

**Chapter 4: Vanitas the Menace**

Lea stared at the script for a moment longer, realizing something that nobody else had noticed yet. They were seconds away from starting their Neverland shoot, and one of the main villains was missing. After a quick skim through the script, Lea figured out exactly who was absent, giving a resentful sneer as he said, "Oh, for cryin' out—not this guy."

Currently, it was nighttime in Neverland's Indian Camp, the latest site to become apart of Nomura's long list of exotic settings for Kingdom Hearts III. For that day's filming session, Nomura instructed five actors to meet in that particular part of Peter Pan's world, and so far only four had shown up.

Lea was quick to point out, "Hey, Nomura? I think we're short a head…again."

Before Nomura offered his response, Isa interrupted and cut in, "Of course we're short a head! We're always waiting half an hour for Vanitas to show up! That child is nothing but a headache."

Scratching his head, Braig asked, "Maybe one of us should go check on the lazy dolt?"

Lea suggested, "I say we shoot without him. That kid can't be on time to save his life!"

Sighing, Nomura sat down in his director's chair and stated, "We cannot shoot this scene without him. Vanitas is integral in forcing Lea to talk, so we'll have to wait. Unless one of you wants to go all the way back to Square Enix HQ and fetch him…?"

Lea, Braig, Isa, and Young Xehanort all exchanged peeved looks, that is until the Freeshooter suddenly cracked a smile and proposed, "Rock, paper, scissors, anyone?"

**-X-**

Beep, beep! BEEP! BEEP! Beep, beep! BEEP! BEEP!

Vanitas' alarm clock must've been going off for two hours, but his slumber went undisturbed. Residing in his complete wasteland of a trailer, Vanitas scrappily lay with the pillow over his face, a thin white sheet thrown over him. Next to him in bed were two empty pizza boxes, one large and one extra-large. The narrowly-spaced floor in Vanitas' trailer was home to abundant discarded pieces of clothing, piles of garbage sitting mere inches away from the can, stolen pompoms from Moogles, a few articles of unreturned female undergarments, and a nice-looking blue rug.

Apparently, the nine hundredth beep from his alarm clock had inspired the loafing boy to smash the noisy device with one hand. Slowly rising to a sitting position, Vanitas yawned, stretched, and shielded his face from the morning sun leaking through his trailer's window.

Scratching his bare chest, Vanitas couldn't help but wonder out loud, "Geez…what happened last night? Oh, wait…"

**_-X-_**

_Enter flashback…_

"Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it!" the party cheered on.

Obeying the crowd's wishes, Vanitas chugged the entire Mega Potion in one sitting, marking his tenth healing beverage for the night. Slurring his speech, Vanitas boasted, "That wuzzah piece of cake!"

Vanitas hadn't been expecting the after party of the Lightning Returns launch party to migrate inside Square Enix's mess hall. One moment, he was peacefully eating a burger and fries with Master Xehanort, the next, he was in a three-way breakdancing contest with Noel and Hope.

Sometime after downing that last Mega Potion, Vanitas had gotten the whole party's attention, screaming as loud as his lungs would allow, "Hey, everybody…! Everybody race to Square's dormitory wing!" Hobbling towards the door on one foot, Vanitas appeared to be attempting to rip off his boot as he said, "Oh, and we're going streaking! Clothes are for suckers!"

Judging by the sufficient amount of cheers, Vanitas had garnered a strong following from the Lightning Returns cast, quickly leading them into a night of pure debauchery.

**_-X-_**

_End Flashback_

"Well, that was a heck of a night!" Vanitas remarked to himself, reaching into the extra-large pizza box for a morning slice. However, after realizing the box was empty, Vanitas became furious. "Hey, what the…I thought I saved a slice!"

Something out the corner of his eye caught his attention; sliding across the floor on its own accord, a cheesy slice of pizza looked as if it were attempting to escape the messy trailer. Leaping from his bed, Vanitas snatched up the pizza slice and examined the true culprit—a little black roach shaking with fear on his blue rug.

"So close, yet so far," said Vanitas with a smirk. "Maybe next time, you handsome little devil, you."

The slice of pizza was hovering just inches over Vanitas' tongue when he heard a few hard knocks at the trailer's door. Taking a monstrous bite from the slice, Vanitas went to answer his visitor, swinging open the door with a mouthful of cheese. Gruffly, he greeted, "Whadya want?"

Standing on the trailer's heightened doorstep, Young Xehanort, the unlucky individual who'd been elected to "fetch" Vanitas, opened his mouth to yell something at the boy, but stopped abruptly. For some reason, his frown had twisted into a deeply P.O.'d scowl. Leveling his gaze and looking Vanitas directly in the eyes, Xehanort uttered, "Vanitas…why aren't you wearing trousers?"

Looking down at his indeed unclothed body, Vanitas snapped his fingers and recalled, "Oh yeah, that's right. I went streaking."

Still keeping his yellow eyes locked on Vanitas' own acidic ones, Young Xehanort explained, "The reason why I'm here is because you're thirty minutes late for today's filming session!"

Slapping himself in the forehead, Vanitas confessed, "Oh, crap…I honestly thought that was on Friday."

"Today IS Friday, you waste of skin!"

"Waste of skin? Or work of art?"

Breathing a slow exhale, Xehanort advised, "It would be in your best interest to get dressed and get ready—"

"Aw, please tell me today's my shoot with Kairi!" Vanitas interrupted. Giving a fake salute, the stark-naked boy joked around, "If so, consider me good to go, Cap'n!"

Fighting the urge to set Vanitas' hair ablaze, Xehanort snarled in a low murmur, "Get yourself ready. And get yourself to Neverland."

Young Xehanort promptly turned around and opened a Corridor of Darkness, pacing through it and leaving Vanitas to stand all by himself in his trailer's doorway. Finishing off the slice of pizza, Vanitas commented, "Guess he isn't a morning person. And I know I'm naked, but not even sneaking a peak once was just downright insulting, Xehanort. Oh, well. Better get prepared…"

Darting back inside his trailer, Vanitas summoned his Keyblade and cast a spell that fully clothed him in his usual black and red bodysuit. All he needed now was his helmet, which sat below his dresser. He had bent down to retrieve it but accidentally slammed his head against the dresser on the way back up. After a moment of swearing and overreacting, Vanitas suddenly froze at the sight of a little blue Flood relaxing on top of his bed, flipping through channels on the TV.

"Clean this place up while I'm gone, and I promise not to kill you when I get back," Vanitas fibbed, dashing out the door of his trailer.

**-X-**

"Well, it's about time," said Lea, eyeballing the person emerging through the Corridor of Darkness.

Vanitas had finally made it to Neverland, making his grand appearance felt by everyone within the torch-lit Indian Camp. Wiping pretend sweat from his brow, Vanitas exclaimed, "Whew! Saving all those puppies from that burning building really took a lot out of me! Plus, those charities were keeping me up all night with their phone calls, incessantly thanking me over and over for my countless contributions and whatnot."

Beaming, Braig muttered to Isa, "Wow, I thought Vanitas was just an irresponsible scumbag, but I guess I was wrong! That kid's really got a heart of gold!"

Isa sighed, "Idiot."

Nomura crossed his arms and addressed the Sora-look-alike, "Are you finally prepared to start filming, Vanitas? You've only been singlehandedly throwing us thirty minutes off of schedule."

To that, Vanitas slipped on his helmet and energetically replied, "Heck yeah! Let's get these camera's rolling, Nom-nuts!"

Sighing irritably, Nomura spoke into his megaphone, "Okay, quiet on the set!"

**-X-**

"'Lea Gets Interrogated.' Take one. Aaaand…action!"

"Hold it right there."

Lea stopped at the sound of Isa's voice. Whirling around, Lea was ambushed by two Wild Bruiser Unversed, one of them gorilla-slapping the redhead into the giant Tiki totem pole. Before Lea could even regroup, the other Wild Bruiser restrained his arms around the back of the totem pole, holding him there against the fiery Keyblader's will.

Under the shimmering moonlight, Young Xehanort, Vanitas, Isa, and Braig all appeared before Lea, who sneered at the blue-haired villain of the group. Unable to move his arms from the Unversed's grasp, Lea crudely greeted his former friend and comrade, "So that's where that rank smell was coming from. Good to see you again, Isa."

"Likewise," replied the Luna Diviner, dropping his black hood. "But I'm afraid we have some questions for you."

"Since when did I become so popular?" Lea asked facetiously.

Twirling one of his Arrowguns, Braig answered, "Since you decided to be a traitor to the Organization and join sides with Sora's little toy army. Now do yourself a favor and keep your answers short and sweet, mmkay?"

Young Xehanort approached the captured Keyblader, glaring deep into Lea's uncaring green orbs. In a quiet tone, Xehanort stated, "We understand there is an eighth among you."

Blinking indifferently, Axel replied, "Sorry, but I'm not following."

After a brief pause, Xehanort said, "Seven lights against thirteen darknesses. A gathering that would ensue another Keyblade War. This was prophesized and discussed before, was it not?"

Chuckling lowly, Lea confessed, "Sorry, pal. This is still going over my head."

Sighing, Xehanort stepped aside and said, "Oh, Vanitas…?"

Completely missing his cue, Vanitas was too busy carefully scorching a hole in the nearest tepee, attempting to spy on whoever was inside.

Noticing his fellow actor had missed his line, Xehanort repeated, "Um…Vanitas."

"Cut!" Nomura yelled through the megaphone. "Vanitas, please get back on task! The tepees are all _empty!"_

Sheepishly stepping away from the tepee, Vanitas said, "Whoops…thought I heard some giggling schoolgirls getting attacked by an octopus. Won't happen again, Nom-bre!"

"Right…'Lea Gets Interrogated.' Take two! Aaaand…action!"

Lea retorted, "Once again, pal, this is all kinda going over my head."

Sighing, Xehanort stepped aside and said, "A little help, Vanitas…?"

"Sure can do," said the helmeted Sora-clone. Quickly closing the distance between him and Lea, Vanitas reeled back his Void Gear and walloped the center of Lea's abdomen, earning a pained cry from the new Keyblade wielder.

In fact, the pain might've been too much for Lea to handle. He shouted in anger, "Whoa! Why'd ya hit me so hard? This is a cutscene, for cryin' out loud!"

"Ah, quit bein' such a baby," Vanitas callously responded. "Imagine what I go through when you guys are practically brutalizing my walking nerve endings." Both of the Wild Bruisers gave each other terrified looks.

"Well excuse me for not being addicted to pain, Mr. Ropes and Handcuffs!" Lea hissed back.

"Cut…" Nomura ordered, slouching in his director's chair. "Vanitas…please try to ease up on hurting Lea."

"As you wish, Nommy-Dearest," Vanitas reluctantly agreed, crossing his arms.

Nomura instructed, "+Let's take it from, 'A little help, Vanitas…?' Okay, quiet on the set. Take three. Aaaand…action!"

Sighing, Xehanort stepped aside and said, "A little help, Vanitas…?"

"As you wish," said the helmeted Sora-clone. Closing in on Lea, Vanitas reeled back his Void Gear and walloped the trapped Keyblader with every bit of strength as he previously did before—and then some. No one was able to see Vanitas' devilish smirk.

After another very authentic cry of anguish, Axel decided to just roll with it. He'd get Vanitas back sooner or later. However, before he could devise a good enough revenge scheme, he was pulled back into the cutscene the moment Young Xehanort questioned him again, "So, Lea…we'd like to know more about this eighth warrior of light. Tell us his name."

Averting his gaze sideways, Lea struggled to lie, "Never heard of him."

This time, Isa interjected, "Don't be foolish, Lea. You know exactly who we're referring to. Just tell us the name of this extra Keyblader and we will let you go."

"Why? So you can just kill him?" Lea asked, a look of fury mounting in his eyes.

"Precisely," Isa answered sharply. Earning a bewildered look from Lea, Isa explained, "In case you forgot, Master Xehanort only requires seven lights to battle us. As of now, your faction consists of you, Sora, Riku, the king, Master Aqua, Ventus, and Terra, and recently, we got word of another member in your ranks. If you tell us his name, we will target him instead of you. But if you refuse to cooperate, know that we have no qualms with destroying you, Lea."

Braig added, "Just tell us so we can get off your back already."

Ever the resilient type, Lea furrowed his brows and said, "I…I can't."

Growing more impatient, Isa yelled, "Who are you trying to protect, Lea? Who is the final Keyblader?"

Giving a toothy grin, Lea responded, "That's classified."

"Looks like you're up again, Vanitas," Xehanort stated.

Raising his Void Gear to strike Lea once more, Vanitas had a change of heart suddenly, slowly lowering his weapon before contemplating out loud, "Maybe I can get some answers outta him without my Keyblade."

"Go for it, kiddo," Braig permitted. "We're probably just gonna wind up wasting him, anyway."

Leaning in close to the apprehended redhead, helmet-to-face, Vanitas asked casually, "So how pretty is she?"

Eyes popping open, Lea stammered, "P-Pretty?"

"Must be a pretty girl you're willing to die for, eh?"

Whatever tactic Vanitas was using, Lea hadn't been prepared for it. He tried to dodge the silly question, "What makes you think he's a girl?"

Shrugging, Vanitas admitted, "It was actually just a shot in the dark. But judging by your priceless reaction, I might've hit the nail right on the head."

"Keep dreaming."

"Hm. So what, she's got black hair? Blue hair? Blonde hair? Brown hair? Red hair—?"

Lea's eyes narrowed suddenly.

"Red hair it is," Vanitas deduced in a happy tone. Raising his hand slowly to gauge what level of height the mystery girl could've been, Vanitas told his captive detainee, "Just breathe suddenly or faint when my hand gets to her ballpark height."

Becoming aggravated, Lea shouted furiously, "I won't tell you anything, so just go ahead and destroy me! You might as well do it now!"

Lea had grown desperate to end this little investigation of theirs. He feared Vanitas had uncovered a key clue in discovering her identity…

"Wait…" Isa suddenly interrupted. Lea's heart sank when Isa glared daggers at him, seemingly knowing what he knew. Isa repeated, "Vanitas…did you say red hair?"

"Yeah," said Vanitas. "Still working on height, weight, and shoe-size."

"No matter. I've already discovered her identity…haven't I, Lea?"

While Lea remained silent, glowering hard at his ex-best-friend, Braig asked, "Well, then who the heck is she?"

Leaning in close to Lea, Isa snarled, "She is as good as dead."

Nomura signaled for the clip's end, "And cut! Excellent work, guys! Very convincing screaming, too, Lea! Vanitas…you surprisingly held up nicely for a guy who went drunkenly streaking through my office less than six hours ago. Awesome job. Isa, Braig, and Xehanort—you fulfilled your roles just as nicely. I'll see you each at the next filming in Halloween Town! Don't be late, Vanitas!"

**-X-**

**Are you excited for your (inevitable) revival in KH3?**

Vanitas, now with his helmet removed, answered the interviewer's question, "Excited? I was _floored_ when I got the call that I'd be coming back to the big screen! They must've really loved the 'Bad Boy' vibe I brought to the Kingdom Hearts series. I mean, yeah, I was in Dream Drop Distance for two seconds, but it was Birth By Sleep that really launched my career. And worry not, Vanitas fans. I'm currently exploring a deal that could make me playable in future expansion packs. I think they call it DLC, or something—and it's going to be paid, of course. I've gotta eat too, ya know."

**Some say that you're too much of a party animal. How would you respond to such accusations?**

"F**kin' right!" Vanitas exclaimed. "Oh, right. I keep forgetting there's a strict ban on cursing around here…_Ahem,_ freakin' correct! If people find my way of life offensive, they should try going streaking with two inexplicably hot pink-haired sisters, and then see if they care what people say."

**Gotcha. So, um…are you and Sora related in real life, or what?**

Slurping down a can of orange soda, Vanitas belched and said, "Honestly, who really knows? Ol' Nomma-Trauma seems to be making this stuff up as he goes. I wouldn't be surprised if by the end of the game, I chop off Sora's hand and tell him that I'm his uncle." Suspiciously peering out the interview room's lone window, Vanitas turned back to the camera and murmured, "Make sure that sentence never leaves this room…"

* * *

**-X-**

Vanitas sure is a handful, a mouthful, an earful…and anything else that gets full. On the next chapter, we rejoin the trio in training. Sora begins to realize that maybe a workout specifically made for half-gods is a little too tough for him, Kairi struggles to keep up with the fast-paced drills of Warrior Princess boot camp, and Riku gets inside a mech suit.

Stay tuned and review!


End file.
